Manufactured Self Loathing: How It Connects To You

I often find myself on what I like to call, "Google tangents."  Google tangents are when I sit at my computer or laptop and Google anything of interest or that makes me curious.  I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person that does this in today's world of free WiFi and smart phones, so I'm pretty sure you all know how starting one Google search leads to another and another and another, which is why they become "tangents" in my book.  By the end of any one of these, I almost always feel like I've gained a couple bachelor's degrees from learning so much on one subject.  It was on one of these Google tangents that I was recently exposed to the phrase, "manufactured self-loathing."

Pretty self-explanatory, manufactured self-loathing refers to the feelings of inadequacy consumers are often faced with when exposed to advertising.  This can be associated with any product, but the beauty industry is the biggest source of these toxic emotions in my opinion.  If there was no such thing as eye liner, how many women do you honestly think would feel like their eyes were lacking "depth" or weren't "interesting" enough?  If the hair relaxer or flat iron had never been invented, would the majority of women of color still feel that the only "acceptable" way to wear their hair is stick straight?  Without advertisements for skin bleaching creams, how many dark skinned people would actively seek a way to remove layers and layers of pigment?

So how does this concept of manufactured self loathing - advertisers and product manufacturers convincing people they genuinely need their products or services when they don't - have anything to do with the natural hair movement?  Well, I would argue that there would be no need for a natural hair movement in the first place if we had never been convinced to dislike our natural feature of Afro textured hair.  So many of us have been conditioned to automatically dislike or even despise many of our natural features, we don't even question it.  "What are you going to do with that mess on your head?"  "Did you mean for your hair to look like that?"  "Why would you want to have nappy hair?"  We have these hurtful, disrespectful, and thoughtless comments hurled our way so often, all it takes is a quick Google search for "How to deal with natural hair haters," for lists of tips from women who are forced to endure it on a regular basis.  How long are we going to put up with this?  How long are we going bite our tongues when our friends, mothers, sisters, doctors, and television ads tell us we are less than, or not as beautiful as our non black counterparts?

I was inspired to write this post because I'd like to give my readers some food for thought in the hope that a simple message will resonate and be shared so we might see some change in the way we see ourselves.  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, NATURALLY!  ONLY YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IT TO MAKE IT TRUE!  It doesn't matter what some TV ad said about that new straightening system.  Why do you need to straighten your hair in the first place?  Is there something wrong with how Mother Nature made your curls and kinks?  Personally, I believe every person on the planet was divinely made, so to say there is something wrong with our construction is blasphemous and I'm not even a Christian.  Appreciate your beauty.  Don't fall into the trap of believing there is anything wrong with you that can be fixed with a purchase off a store shelf.  Love ALL of yourself.

With that being said, what do you all think about this topic.  Is manufactured self loathing real, or not something to be concerned about?  Have you realized anything you believe about yourself is a result of this phenomenon?  Leave your thoughts below. :)

Texture Discrimination?? Or Defeatist Mindset??

Okay y'all.  If you follow any of the popular natural hair blogs, I'm sure you've heard by now about the video titled, "So Over The Natural Community & Texture Discrimination," by popular YouTuber Jouelzy.  Essentially, Jouelzy is arguing that YouTube content creators with a kinkier hair texture will never be as popular as YouTubers with looser textures because that is what the majority of those in the natural hair community prefer to look to for information and inspiration.  From what I was able to gather, Jouelzy feels like she should be more of a household name in the community because of the size of her subscriber base and the quality of the content she produces.  On one hand, I can understand that.

I am a YouTube content creator myself, so I understand how frustrating it can be when you spend three and half hours shooting and reshooting footage for a video, then another three sitting in front of your computer or laptop cutting and rearranging tracks, adding background music, voice overs, picture in picture effects, captions, and not to mention creating custom thumbnail images in an entirely different program, just to watch it sit on the internet and get an average of 20 views a month.  That can be seriously disheartening.  And one can't help but to wonder what the reason for the seemingly disinterested audience might be.

But there is a fundamental part of her argument that I can't help but take issue with.  By arguing that she isn't as popular as she feels she deserves to be because of her hair texture, Jouelzy comes off a bit defeatist to me.  There seems to be an underlying assumption that people are intentionally avoiding videos that feature kinky-haired or 4c naturals.  I just don't think that's true.  It is up to the YouTuber to create content engaging and eye catching enough, and on trend with what people are searching for to be successful.  If the hot style of the month is a 3-strand-twisted-bantu-knot-out and you're posting "How To Do a Two Strand Twist" tutorials, the vast majority of natural hair-related traffic will not be seeing your video.  There is quite a bit that goes into optimizing a video for maximum views.

Besides all the technical skills it requires for one to make visually appealing videos, there is also a personality element.  To her credit, Jouelzy does address this briefly toward the end of her video.  She states that she understands that her personality may not be compatible with many people, but essentially, it shouldn't matter because of the quality of the content she makes.  To an extent, there is some truth to her statement, but I think it downplays how important it is to be able to connect with a wide range of personality types if you want to appeal to an extremely broad audience.  Jouelzy has what I would describe as an "in your face" personality.  She speaks rapidly and loudly.  Sometimes that makes it difficult for me to understand just what she is saying.  She also has no problem using profanity in her videos.  These characteristics may be why she doesn't appeal to as many people as she thinks she should.  I can't presume to know for sure, but that is my experience.  I enjoy the content she produces, but I simply can't subscribe to her because he personality is way too much for me.  I'm pretty sure there are other natural women out there who feel similarly.

Then there is also the motivation factor to consider.  People like to support YouTubers who they feel genuinely care about connecting with and providing good content for them.  If you say that the only reason you started your channel was to receive free products, people won't feel like you're posting for them, you're posting for companies.  And whether the opinions expressed in the review are honest or not, if the motivations are perceived as being dishonest, you've pretty much already shot yourself in the foot.

There have been a ton of response videos posted on YouTube since Jouelzy originally uploaded her rant, and some of the responses have lead me to think there isn't really a discrimination issue so much as there may be one of a defeatist mindself. Kinksgalore, another YouTuber, stated in her response that people don't want to see "thin, kinky hair" like she has.  I take issue with that because I, myself, have very thin kinky hair.  But I never wear weaves, wigs, or extensions of any kind, and only flat iron my hair a couple times a year.  I'm PROUD of what grows from my head and that radiates from me.  My followers don't seem to have a problem with MY thin hair.  They celebrate it along with me because I see no need to hide it, and would rather learn to work with it to make it thrive.

At the end of the day, I think we can all achieve whatever we desire to.  And if 80k+ followers aren't enough for Jouelzy, she can kindly send them my way!!!

"I Would Rather $$Buy$$ My Fabulous..."

Who doesn't like retail therapy?  I know it's typically deemed a woman thing, but seriously.  Can all men really claim that spending money on things you want for no other reason than, "it made me feel better" is something they never do?  I don't think so.  And even though this is a blog dedicated to a decidedly feminine issue, I think in this particular instance, we can all understand the issue at hand to a certain extent.  Even the frugal among us understand retail therapy.

That's why I'm currently grappling with something said to me.  I should be able to understand it, but I'm seriously having trouble reconciling myself to accept it. The it in question is something a coworker recently said to me.  I was walking past her while she was having a conversation with someone else and revealed that she just spent $500.00 on some hair bundles and is currently waiting for them to arrive.  I was completely flabbergasted!  Flummoxed!  Amazed!  Even when I had a relaxer, as the woman in question does, I simply couldn't understand spending that kind of money for such a "shallow" reason.

I no longer think that spending money one one's self for reasons of beauty, self esteem, and self image is shallow, but where is the line drawn?  When does it go from retail therapy to exorbitant and unnecessary spending?  When I heard my coworker's plans to have this "fabulous" hair installed so she can say, "I woke up like this" on Instagram, it honestly made me sad.  I told her as politely as I could that there is no need for her to spend that kind of money on hair of all things when she has plenty of strands growing directly from hr head.  She responded that her hair "can't grow past [her] shoulders."  I'm pretty sure most of you reading this know that that isn't true.  Just about everyone has genes that allow hair to grow to at least mid back length.  Perpetually shoulder length hair is a tell tale sign of self inflicted damage!  Change your hair habits, you change your hair!  When I voiced this, I was just met with "Girl, ain't nobody got time. It takes too long."

That's why I'm having such trouble understanding the mentality that says it makes more sense to deplete my finances for someone else's hair rather than put in a little effort and grow my own for free.  You can either spend over $500.00 (because I'm sure she still has to pay for the install) and have "nice" hair for maybe a few months and have your own hair stay the same length year after year, or you can save that money and have your own hair getting longer and longer with each passing year.  I just don't understand what would make someone choose the first option other than believing that the second option isn't really possible.  It's unimaginable to me that someone would make that decision for any other reason.

But it is possible.  I'm living proof!  I was the girl with thin, damaged, broken off, shoulder length hair.  I knew nothing about proper hair care.  I thought my hair was the length it was because of my genetics, not what I was doing and NOT doing to it.  The state of one's hair, no matter how poor or desirable, is the fault/responsibility of none other than the person whose scalp it grows from.  Ladies, please don't concede defeat before you've even made an effort to improve the state of your hair.  It CAN and WILL grow as long as you'd like it to.  Just give it the treatment it needs to get there.

"You Can Touch My Hair" Discussion

I Love My Hair

My hair is healthy. My hair is sexy. My hair is beautiful. My hair is alluring. My hair can be challenging. My hair is rewarding. My hair is wondrous. My hair is natural. My hair is a labor of love. My hair is unique.

As you can tell, I could go on and on about my hair. At this point in my hair journey, I've come to have such love, pride, and admiration for my hair. I never knew it was possible. Who knew a little water, sealant, and delicate handling could make such a tremendous difference. I can honestly say going natural indirectly lead me to change my major, setting me on a path I never could have predicted. I've actually sat in the mirror and cried because I was so in awe and thankful for my hair. Yes. I've cried. Compared to some other journeys, my road has been pretty smooth. Thus far I haven't had any major setbacks. I know my hair very well, I don't have any issues retaining length, and people ask me about my hair all the time. I can honestly say I love it.

A few weeks ago I was at work with my hair in a high puff off to the side. I happened to walk past a mirror and stopped for a second when I caught my reflection. I fluffed my hair a little bit and said aloud, "I love my hair." My manager, who happened to be walking with me shook his head and told me I'm conceited. Offended, I asked him exactly how am I conceited and he said, "you just said you love your hair," as if that was all the explanation required. I don't know about you, but I think that was a pretty stupid assessment on his part. How exactly does loving something about one's self make one conceited? In my opinion, it's not an unhealthy love or obsession, more like a passion. I don't denigrate others while lifting myself up. I try to help people as much as I can. I keep a generally upbeat attitude. So I don't see how conceit even could have been perceived from my statement. I can't love a part of myself?

Maybe my manager said that because he's not used to seeing black women who actually have a healthy relationship with their hair. Maybe he thought he might come off as joking. Maybe he's just a tool. Either way, I thought about it and there's no reason for me to feel bad or stuck up because I proudly proclaimed my love for my hair. It's not going to change any time soon and there's nothing wrong with it.

Just thought I'd make that PSA for anyone out there who might be wondering how they come off when talking about your hair. If you truly love it, that will come out when you talk about it whether you say it explicitly or not. And if the people around you don't know how to take it, forget about them. So long as they don't have control over your wash schedule or your product selection, they can go kick rocks. That's just my opinion. :-)

Products vs Routine for Healthy Natural Hair

Did God Make a Mistake on Our Hair???

As always, leave your thoughts.

Why Can't You Just Comb Your Hair Faster?

So, I just thought I would share a funny conversation that happened between me and my mom a few days ago. I had just got out of the shower and water was leaking into our kitchen from the bathroom and my mother was slightly irritated.  She wasn't mad exactly, but she wasn't pleased either.  After I got dressed, I started cleaning the water up off of the floor and my mother said I needed to start taking shorter showers.  I told her all I did was detangle my hair and I moved as quickly as I could.  Her response was, "Well you'll just have to move faster."

Normally when my mother makes comments about how long it takes me to do my hair, I just shrug them off and keep it moving.  But I'll admit, I was slightly annoyed too.  There was no anger, but I was tired of always being told how I should handle my hair by people who's hair is nothing like mine.  No, my mother isn't relaxed, but she only wears her hair flat ironed, so she never deals with her true texture.  Neither does she have a length goal for her hair.  So rough handling and quick detangling sessions don't phase her because she's happy with her hair's current length.  I (somewhat) jokingly responded to her, "Well, why don't you start wearing your hair in it's natural texture and tell me how fast you can get through combing your hair."

But of course, moms know everything and they can't be told anything different.  She responded, "I have worn my hair natural.  I used to wear it short and curly.  I didn't take forever to comb my hair."

I retorted, "But my hair is longer than yours was when you wore it natural.  The more length there is, the longer detangling is going to take."

"Not necessarily."

Hearing that, I stopped focusing on the water I was cleaning and just stopped and looked at her for a second.  What was she talking about?  Her come back didn't make any sense.  And I tried to make that clear when I said, "Mommy. That doesn't make any sense.  Even if a person's hair is stick straight, if it comes down to their waist, it's going to take them a longer time to detangle their hair than someone with four inches of curly hair."

Unmoved, my mother again said, "No, not necessarily.  It just depends on how fast you go."

At that point I just decided to let the debate go and just said, "Okay, Mommy."

But that little exchange made me realize that my mother will probably never understand why I handle my hair the way I do.  I don't know if it's just that she doesn't understand that speedy detangling sessions result in broken hair, which retards hair growth, which is something I need if I'm going to grow my hair to my waist, or if she just doesn't care.  Honestly, it's probably some combination of the two.  Even though she tries to be as supportive of my natural hair journey as she can, I think my mother is skeptical about me reaching my goal length.  And if she doesn't believe it's possible, all the steps I take to make sure I'm not breaking my hair off just as fast as I'm growing it probably don't make much sense to her.

If she had it her way, I would just comb my hair as fast as she does, with no regard for the tangles I'm ripping through, and therefor, the strands I'm breaking.  But, luckily for me, she's not in charge of my hair care.  I am.  And as long as I'm in full  possession of my faculties, I'll treat my hair the way it deserves to be treated.  Not as a difficult burden that needs brute force and speed to be tamed, but as a delicate and beautiful creation of nature that must be handled with TLC.

So, in answer to her unstated question, no. I can't just comb my hair faster.  Why can't you comb your hair slower?

Curly Car Time Chronicles Ep 3: Black v White Hair Products