Thursday, December 1, 2011

If This Makes Me a Bitch, So Be It

Remember my post about letting people go when continuing to have them in your life brings more negativity than positivity?  When I originally wrote that post, I was going through some things in my life that led me to believe continuing a friendship with a specific person was causing me undue stress and frustration to the point that I no longer wanted to have anything to do with him.  We've only really been friends for around a year now but ups and downs we've dealt with almost seem like those typically dealt with couples in long term relationships.  Every time I try to point out that the volatility in our relationship is unhealthy and honestly not worth carrying on in my opinion, I'm met with opposition and confusion.  And somehow, I allow myself to be convinced that perhaps I'm wrong and our friendship is worth saving.

But every time, after a period of calm, the storm comes back even more ferocious than before.  And I'm convinced yet again that no "friendship" on the planet is worth the stress, guilt, frustration, and anger that this relationship brings me.  Besides the fact that it's bad for my mental and emotional health, I no longer have the energy, willpower, or appetence to continue this roller coaster ride.  And I've made so very clear to the person in question.  However, it would seam that my actions and my words haven't been lining up.  Even though I've clearly stated that this person and I are no longer "friends," we've continued communication with each other as though we are.  The difference is the communication isn't on a constant/consistent basis and I no longer feel any guilt associated with wanting to spend time with other people.  Rather than feel burdened by our relationship, classifying it as a non relationship seemed to help us get along better.  Until last night.

Ex friend called me and for reasons we won't go into, though it was ok to approach me like an angry boyfriend questioning his girlfriends whereabouts and behavior.  Maybe he didn't see it as that, but that's how it came off to me.  My mind was completely boggled that he would think giving me attitude and questioning me was even an option after I declared our friendship over.  He is nowhere close to being in a position that would safely allow him to talk to me that way.  So I immediately told him so.  Not very kindly, I might add.  In short, I let him no that my whereabouts and the company I keep are no longer any concern of his and he has no right to question me or get mad about either.  The fact that he came at me the way he did just proves that continuing to have any kind of communication with him (in the hopes that one day I could possibly be comfortable/confident that things won't be as bad as they were enough to actually call him a friend again) was a mistake.

Through this experience I have learned that sometimes not only is it okay to let people go, it's actually necessary.  So unfortunately (or more likely, fortunately) I will not be continuing any communication with this person.  It's obvious that communication of any kind will result in something negative eventually.  I refuse to put myself through that any longer.  I have no desire to "work out" any problems we have.  It's just not that important to me.  Sorry but, we're done.  It's time for both of us to move on.

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